So this time last year (like 9:45 of last year), we were at the hospital and Zach was making calls to all of our family to let them know that Tate would be born soon. I was not making those calls, cause I was being prepped for surgery...and crying. I did that for about 2 hours straight that night.
I determined at about 8:30 or so that my water had indeed broken, not in the way I expected water to break...no flood! We called the doctor and she was going to meet us at the hospital. I was convinced I would be put on bedrest and Tate would make it another 3 or 4 weeks like we were planning. Zach knew better but didn't want to stress me even more! Those few hours, until our sweet boy was born at 12:06, went by so fast but I still remember them so well. It is the 3 weeks after that went by so slow.
As I sit here and type this I just cannot believe that is has been a year. Some days I don't even think about the birth and other days it crosses my mind a few times. It doesn't impede me from living my life, but it has changed me. As a little girl you think about falling in love, getting married, and having a baby. My love story with Zachary is perfect and continues to be everyday. While the having a baby part was nothing like I imagined, and I know it never will be for me, it is perfect for me.
Having a preemie has made me the mother I am. I could not be more grateful for the son I have. He makes me smile so much everyday that my cheeks hurt most nights. He looks like his daddy and has some of the same quirks as me. He is perfect and he came at his time. The fact that he came so early just makes me more grateful for every little thing he does. Every. little. thing.
I waited what felt like forever for his first real smile, and when he smiled at me, on purpose, I cried. He was really late to roll over and did it in his crib without me seeing...I think he wanted me to miss it so I didn't make a huge deal over it. When I saw that sleeping baby on his back instead of his tummy, I cried again. As time has progressed, he has began to catch up on his milestones thanks to physical therapy. Because he was premature, I was more aware of problems he could have and pushed things with doctors to get him the care he needed. He is now so close to walking at 10 months adjusted and I could not be more proud of him.
The struggles he had, he will never remember. I am the one that feels sadness for what happened to him. I used to feel guilt, but that has passed. Now it just the occasional sadness and pity...not just for him but for me. It may seem selfish to feel that way for myself, but I know from talking to other people who have been in my shoes that it is totally normal. That being said, when I look at my handsome, blue eyed, big dimpled, smiling son, I feel nothing but gratitude and pride! He is the cutest thing I have ever seen...and I am in no way biased!
I can't believe he is almost 1...like 2 hours shy of 1...but I look so forward to getting to continue to watch him grow and learn and thrive. Zachary and I are lucky people to have been given such a sweet happy baby. Every night, when we lay down in bed, we talk about our little monster...every night. I can't imagine our lives without him. And, I am truly grateful for every part of his story!
1 year ago...my first time seeing my 3lb10oz son!
And tonight, my boys making me dinner. Couldn't be more blessed!
And his actual birth story...here.
2 comments:
BEAUTIFUL post!
You have opened my eyes to the world of preemie mothers.
You are fantastic and so is that baby boy :)
I almost cried reading this post Amber. It is amazing what similar feelings I've felt having a baby born full-term that didn't make it. I'm a better person because that happened to me, and I appreciate everything that Kylee does more than I think I would have. Thanks for sharing your story!
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