While we were back in Texas (for our lovely 5 week break), my mom asked me a simple question one night in the middle of a crazy, fun game night with the sisters..."Is being a mom harder than you thought it would be?" It kind of hit me hard, because I had not really thought about it before.
When I was pregnant, I didn't really think about how hard, easy, tiring, rewarding it would be. I was so excited to meet my little boy and so in love with him from the second I saw the 2 lines on that little stick, but I hadn't really thought about it. I may have gotten to thinking about it when I got close to the end of my pregnancy...but things never go as planned. I never expected to have my water break 7 weeks early. I was blissfully unaware that Wednesday in August that motherhood was only hours away.
I still have some very strong and very difficult to handle feelings about the whole thing. It is always in the back of my mind...that night...that night. Maybe talking about it would help, but I don't really do it that often. I am so very grateful for everything that went right that night, that my baby could breathe, that he was OKAY. I can't explain the feeling of hearing him scream. From the time we got to the ER and I was told by my doctor, "He has to come tonight" (but in espanol) until I heard him scream, I was a sobbing, nervous wreck. His screams calmed mine to a degree.
I am always grateful because things could have been a lot worse...but you know things could have been a lot better. And that is what I get hung up on. I feel a little cheated...out of a pregnancy, out of having those first moments after birth with my son, out of being with him and comforting him every night, out of having pictures of the first 3 weeks of his life. These feelings make me feel a little selfish, but nonetheless they are there. I know it is cliche to say, but until you have had it happen to you, you cannot begin to understand.
The first time I saw him, outside of the OR, was about 2pm the day he was born (he was born just after midnight). I could not stop crying and apologizing to him...for what exactly I didn't know, but I felt like a bad mom for not being able to stop or prevent what had happened. I hated seeing him with all the wires and things in his nose, mouth, covering his eyes, and being so small. Seriously, I couldn't get over the smallness!! That is when the feelings started, but that is also when I felt the love I had for him grow...a lot.
With each visit to see him, things got easier and better. The crying lessened and I was able to handle it much more. The times in between seeing him got easier as well...but every single night I broke down. My sweet, supportive, amazing husband was there for me every night in bed when I had my little breakdowns. I am so grateful for that...for never being told not to cry by him because he understood.
To add insult to injury, in the weeks after Tate was born, many friends and acquaintances had babies and took them home. I avoided facebook, other than to post updates for our family and friends, because I couldn't look at the pictures...it was too upsetting for me. I know...crazy...but it was better for me to just avoid it. Everything got easier with time.
I am now almost 5 months past that...which I seriously cannot believe!
Stop growing so fast little boy!! And at 5 months past it, I am better, but not healed. When I look at my sweet tough little boy, I know that he cannot remember a single prick or change of the feeding tube and for that I am grateful. I still have such respect for him and think he is the toughest little baby ever!
To get back to the question, motherhood is much harder than I thought it would be. I never thought I would have to deal with hospitals so much, I never thought I would be soo tired. But I also never thought how in love I would be, how much one little 3 pound boy could change me, how happy I could get over the simplest smile, how much I could love to watch him sleep. So in all aspects, motherhood was more than I thought it would be. It takes being a mom to get it. People always said that but now I really know it is true!
My son is one of the 2 greatest blessing the Lord has given me...my Zachary and my Tate. To know that both of them are mine forever makes me feel happier and safer than anything else. And every morning when I go to get that little boy out of his bed and he gives me the biggest grin, I know that every thing is just as it should be. That everything happened exactly how it was supposed to...and that gives me comfort. Every day he takes away a little bit of the hurt I have and I know that one day, because of him, I will be whole again and the flashes of that night will slowly fade from my mind.
Being his mom is the greatest, hardest, happiest, most rewarding thing...and I am grateful everyday that the Lord entrusted Zachary and I with him. I also pray every day to be worthy to be his mother.
That night...the only family photo we have of his time in the hospital.
My little wired, wiggle worm. I will never forget how sweet and angelic he looked in that NICU.
His first day home with me...where he belonged.
This morning...making my life better, like he does every single day. Who couldn't be happy waking up to see this!!
To anyone who reads this...thanks. It has helped me to put it all out there...I don't know that I will ever get this personal on here again, but I needed this. :)
I am a member of a few preemie online groups. Just helpful for question and concerns about development and all...and a place for us mom's to share pics of our cutie babies! Anyways...every so often they send stories and poems and things. Today's really touched me...so here it is!
